It was just any other morning, and I had decided that this morning, I would set aside time ‘just for me.’ The pristine lake outside my window is the perfect inspiring backdrop for the task of looking inward, so I grabbed my journal and switched on the electric kettle. While my tea was steeping, I remembered I still hadn’t listened to my mentor’s voice notes. I had been dreading it, knowing that she—at the core—always knows how to read me. I took a deep breath and hit play, listening intently while staring out at the glistening water.
I had reached out to her two days before in a desperate flail, trying to find myself within my marriage.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Overall, things have been fine between me and my husband. However, I find myself in the throes of a massive transition lately, and I feel as though I have lost a part of myself. I sometimes feel like I make him feel inferior, and that I can’t be totally “in flow” when I’m around him (which is like 90% of the time since we travel full-time in our 320-sq-ft camper). I have been putting all this on him [insert eye-roll here]. Quite frankly, I have grown quite fond of the resentment I’ve been holding towards him. Even though I know these feelings are a direct reflection on myself and I clearly have some work to do to rectify this.
I had let a whole day and a half go by—inadvertently—without opening my mentor’s response, despite knowing what she had to say would change me. Opening her response meant I would have to fully acknowledge and come to terms with my culpability in the situation I’m in.
“What emotions do you want to be walking around with each day, Stephanie?”
Her words stung me a little. So simple, and yet so freaking confounding when it comes to turning this advice back toward myself! Even though I already “know” the truths she told me in that message, I somehow had never thought of applying these things to help myself through this ‘predicament’ I had weaseled my way into.
Here I sit, day in and day out, constantly preaching that ‘thoughts become things’ and that the law of attraction is a real thing, and if you are always thinking about your shitty situation, then you’ll only get more of it! It makes so much sense, but it really takes practice to be intentional about your thoughts. It doesn’t always come easy, right? It is not that easy to be able to look inward and truly sit with that fact that you—ONLY YOU—are the creator of your emotions and your feelings, and ONLY YOU can change them!
Staring out over the lake, hearing my mentor’s words, I felt the weight of guilt and blame. “I put us here,” I thought to myself as more tears suddenly sprang up.
I forced myself to just open up and really hear what she was saying: It’s not as though it is anyone’s ‘fault.’ We are all only human, for crying out loud! Who the fuck wants perfection?! Sitting here and worrying about what my husband feels of me, or how I feel I am making him feel, or worrying about not being able to be fully in flow and fully myself around him, just ends up perpetuating the issue. And—here’s the important part—it says absolutely nothing about him and everything about me and my insecurities, feelings, fears, thoughts, and experiences that I now am projecting into reality.
With my mentor’s wisdom ringing in my ears, I thought to turn to my journal, determined to listened to my inner self. I realized this could all change—this could all be better! Excited at this possibility, I focused my intentions on what I actually want to be feeling each day. Immediately the words playful and carefree rushed into my head.
(Something I should point out here is that I am a CONTROL FREAK, and this is something I combat every day. I have a need for structure, planning, and all things thought out. This makes it very difficult for me to switch my life into a naturally flow-based state—something I desire intensely. So as I’m feeling these amazing thoughts of carefree playfulness, control freak me interrupts, screaming, “But, how, Stephanie?!”)
On cue (before I am even able to pick up my pen), my dog rams his head into my crotch, climbing into my lap holding one of his favorite toys. It’s as if he was saying, “Look, Mom! This is how! It’s just this easy!”
Life really doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it. It doesn’t have to be as lonely, as guilt-stricken, as stressful, as anxiety-ridden, as sad… We get to choose! We get to wake up every day and choose what we want to carve out for our lives. I want you to know that it truly can be just that easy, if you are willing to do the work, show up, and open yourself up to the possibilities!
(My mentor mentioned above is none other than the badass herself, Kat Loterzo)
If you’re asking yourself, “But, how!?” you need to get a copy of my FREE mini-course to how I am able to create success and live an amazing #freedomlifestyle. You CAN DO THIS! Click the image to download your copy:
